5 Roadblocks to Communication
Relearning new communication skills involves a process. You must recognize any harmful skills acquired in childhood that persist into adulthood. Healthy relationships with family, friends and acquaintances will improve if you learn and avoid the five roadblocks to communication described in this article.
Roadblock #1: Avoiding Responsibility for Communication
There are two very common mistaken beliefs about communication. The first mistaken belief is that when one person (“a sender”) wants to talk about something, it is also the responsibility of the other person (the “receiver”) to listen and participate in the discussion. It may be relationship enhancing for the receiver to listen, but the receiver is not responsible for maintaining communication.
Communication is the responsibility of the sender. Always.
The second mistaken belief is that both the sender and the receiver are equally responsible for communication to occur. Again, this isn’t true. Communication is the sole responsibility of the sender. Communication involves frequent exchanges of the sender’s and receiver’s roles.
For communication to occur, the sender is required to:
- 1. Develop “a hook” to encourage the receiver to be engaged in the subject. For example, when you start a discussion, make sure your first statement is interesting and engaging for your receiver.
2. The setting needs to be supportive of communication. For example, have your discussion in private, away from the curious ears of family and friends, especially children!
3. Ensure there is enough time to discuss the topic until there is a natural resolution. For example, don’t start a discussion right before someone leaves for work or school.
4. Ensure there is the potential for a mutually successful resolution. For example, make sure you have thought about possible positive outcomes for your discussion. The resolution can’t be all one way or the other.
5. Express to the receiver a willingness to listen to the receiver’s point of view, too. For example, you might say something like, “I would love to hear what you think about what I just said.”
Example #1 Sender and Receiver:
Diane is surprised when she opens the Visa bill and sees more than $2,000 in charges for new fishing gear. After work, and the second John walks into the house, Diane confronts John and screams, “You charged $2,000 worth of fishing gear on the Visa card?! Thanks to you and your stupid fishing gear, we won’t be able to pay it off in full this month!!
1. Did Diane pick the right time and the right setting to discuss the credit card bill?
2. Is there a chance John will be defensive?
3. Does the tone of Diane’s voice and her words, “Thanks to you and your stupid fishing,” promote communication?
It may be difficult for you to accept that if you want to talk with someone and the discussion turns into an argument, you may be at fault for the breakdown in communication.
Roadblock #2: Rushing Communication: H.A.L.T.
Have you ever said, “I just need to get this off my chest,” and blurted out whatever was on your mind?
You then expected the other person to engage in a healthy “give and take” discussion?
If a sender rushes into a discussion, it is highly likely an argument will ensue. And that argument is always the responsibility of the sender, because the sender always chooses the when, where, who is present of a discussion.
One strong suggestion is that BEFORE the sender starts a discussion, the sender should consider H.A.L.T. for both themselves and their receiver.
“H.A.L.T.” is a term commonly used by the “old timers” in Alcoholics Anonymous. The “old timers” would say that if any one of these four situations (H.A.L.T.) exists a relapse is likely to occur. If two or more of these situations exist, the higher the likelihood of relapse.
This theory is just as true for communication. If any one of these four situations exists, communication is unlikely to happen. The more situations involved, the less likely communication will occur:
H Hungry. For example, have you ever tried to have a discussion with a child the minute they come off the bus? The discussion is doomed until there has been a snack. You have probably heard of being “hangry”?
A Angry. For example, if there is already anger simmering, do you really want to “throw gasoline on the fire”? If someone is already irritated or irritable, confronting them about something else will result in more conflict.
L Lonely. For example, when someone is already down and feeling bad about themselves or a life situation, adding more to their already low self-esteem or confidence will probably not get you what you want.
T Tired. For example, when someone has just gotten home from work or school, it is likely they are tired and need to rest (and eat!) a bit before having a discussion. Not allowing for some space with likely result in a conflict.
Example #2 HALT:
Using the same example with John and Diane, when Diane opened the mail, she felt angry that so much money had been charged to the Visa card. She also felt betrayed (betrayed = lonely) because their financial agreement to keep all charges to no more than $250 at any one time wasn’t kept. When Diane approached John, on Diane’s part there were already at least two of the HALT warnings present: angry and lonely.
John had been at work all day. When he walked into the house and was confronted by Diane, it is likely he was hungry and tired, two HALT warnings on John’s side.
1. With a minimum of four warning situations present, what is the chance of effective communication occurring?
2. Do you think they will be able to come to an agreeable plan to pay off the bill before the end of the month?
The best “hook” in this situation would have been for Diane to “check in” with herself, and then with John, to determine if they both were in the right frame of mind to discuss the Visa bill.
Roadblock #3: The Technique of “Content-to-Process Shift”
“Content-to-process shift” is a common destructive communication technique. It is used to deflect attention away from the person who doesn’t want to accept responsibility for his/her actions. Sometimes this technique is called “gaslighting” because when challenged, a simple discussion about one subject morphs into a defensive challenge. The discussion becomes an argument about the second subject as a method of avoiding the original subject.
This is a frequently used and very destructive technique in any relationship. The goal of this technique is deflection.
How will you know a content-to-process shift is happening? When you think a discussion is about one topic and suddenly you realize you are discussing something entirely different. Or when you start to feel defensive because you thought the discussion was about someone else’s behavior and suddenly the discussion is about you and your behavior! It is all about deflection, smoke and mirrors, misdirection. A sleight of hand.
One way of watching a content-to-process shift happen is to watch a politician being interviewed. Not a fluff interview where the politician has been given all the questions ahead of time (i.e., time to prepare answers). No, watch an interview where the politician is being grilled. A question is asked of the politician, and a different question is answered. That is a content-to-process shift. The politician wants to deflect from the original question.
Example #3 Content-to-Process Shift:
Returning to the example of John and Diane, because money is tight, Diane and John had made an agreement that neither of them would charge more than $250 during any one month without consulting the other. The second John walks into the house, Diane confronts John and says “You charged $2,000 worth of fishing gear on the Visa card?! Thanks to you and your stupid fishing gear, we won’t be able to pay it off in full this month!!”
John demanded to see the credit card bill and said, “I am not a child! I don’t need to check in with you to spend money! And look at all these charges on here for shoe stores! You spent money on shoes, too! If you hadn’t bought those new shoes, we would have been able to pay off the bill this month!
Diane responds, “It was three pairs of sandals for $55, not $2,000 for fishing gear!”
John: “You spend too much money on shoes! I don’t know why you have to have so many! Your closet is full of shoes!”
Diane: “They cost $55!”
John: “If you can’t figure out a way to pay off the bill this month, I guess you will just have to return the sandals!”
Now ask yourself two questions:
1. What are the chances of John and Diane ever returning to talking about how to pay off the Visa bill?
2. Was John successful in drawing attention away from his purchase of fishing gear?
Content-to-process shift is a great deflection technique for someone who wants to avoid being confronted about their behavior. This “technique” erodes trust and respect in any relationship.
Roadblock #4: Not Being Consistent with Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
Verbal communication includes the words that are said, body language and the tone of voice used. The spoken word accounts for only about 10% of our communication with others. Body language, for example, rolling your eyes, tapping your fingers, avoiding eye contact, crossing your arms, etc. accounts for about 35% of communication. Your tone of voice is by far the most important part of your communication with others. It accounts for about 55% of your communication.
If your words, tone of voice and body language don’t match, you are giving a confusing message for the receiver. If your words, body language and tone of voice don’t match, your receiver will probably believe your tone of voice over the words you are saying or your body language.
If communication is your goal, your verbal and nonverbal communication must match! The blue puzzle pieces below represent words, tone of voice and body language fitting together.
Example #4 Tone of Voice:
Using the Visa bill example again, what if John uses the following statement when he is confronted about the fishing equipment: “I am really interested in what you are saying.” If he makes this statement with a calm tone and direct eye contact, how might Diane respond?
It is possible she would feel John was sincere about listening to what she had to say and about coming up with a mutually agreeable resolution.
What if John said, “I am really interested in what you are saying.” When he is saying the word “really,” he is saying it with a sarcastic tone of voice and rolling his eyes. Would Diane think John was interested in having a discussion versus an argument? Tone of voice is everything.
Taking the time to carefully choose your words, tone of voice and body language will have a huge impact on your ability to keep a discussion on the discussion level. After all, the sender chooses the when, where and who of any discussion.
Roadblock #5: Inspiring Defensiveness: “You”
Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to listen to me!” or “You need to quiet down!”? Did you say to yourself, “Oh my, I need to be quiet and listen right now!”? Or did you say, “I don’t have to do anything!” and keep right on talking? If you are like most people, someone telling you what you have to do only makes you feel defensive.
Starting a sentence with “you” frequently triggers negativity in the listener. The “you” demonstrates disrespect and should be avoided at all costs, unless of course you are making the following two statements:
• “You are right.”
• “You look marvelous.”
Example #5 “You” at the Beginning of a Sentence:
John and Diane both started their sentences with the word “you”. John confronted Diane saying, “You spent too much money on shoes.”
1. Did John feel defensive immediately after Diane started her sentence with the word “you”?
2. Did Diane end up feeling defensive after John started his sentence with the word “you”?
This roadblock to communication prevents healthy and successful communication. It doesn’t matter if your use of you at the beginning of a sentence was an innocent slip of words or a deliberate technique; the effect is to destroy communication by putting the other person on the defensive.
Think about the last time a discussion turned into an argument. Did either of you use the phrase, “You aren’t listening!” or “You don’t care” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” A “you” at the beginning of a sentence will always spiral a discussion into an argument.
Summary
Using any of these roadblocks to communication will not get you what you want, a successful relationship with yourself, your family, friends or acquaintances. Relearning skills starts with understanding which skills to unlearn. These five roadblocks to communication will be a good start.
Posted: 09/2020
Revised: 06/2024
Revised: 10/2025
Revised: 03/2026
Revised: 10/2026
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