Resilience in Children

Kathryn Maietta MSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker, identifies three ways parents or caregivers raise children: garden flowers, wild flowers or potted plants.

Garden Flowers

Garden flowers are nurtured, weeded, fertilized. They are encouraged to flourish and are well taken care of.

Children who are raised as garden flowers are taught life skills (for example, resilience) and are provided with opportunities for positive growth. Their resilience is usually pretty high.

Wildflowers

Wildflowers come from seeds that have been scattered to the wind. A wildflower is on its own to grow. It has to put down deeper roots than other plants and grow taller than other plants to reach the sun.

Children raised as wildflowers aren’t taught many skills by their parents or caregivers. They are on their own to learn skills like resilience. If they are resilient, it is because they have learned from observing others and/or through trial and error.

Potted Plants

Potted plants have no independence in life. They live or die based on the sunlight, water and nutrients that someone else provides.

Children who are raised as potted plants make virtually no decisions on their own. Where they go, what they do and how they do it are all based on the whim of their caregivers. Potted plants have no need for being taught resilience because they aren’t allowed to make any decisions!

Example of Children Learning Resilience: Riding A Bike

Learning how to ride a bike is a demonstration of resilience. A child decides s/he wants to ride a bike. A friend’s bike is borrowed, pedaled for a ways. The child falls off. It doesn’t seem to faze the child, and without prompting, the child gets right back on the bike and tries again. This is resilience.

For other children, this process is a struggle, and learning to ride a bike is a long, arduous and painful process.

Or, after the first time they fall off the bike, they have no interest in trying again.

If you are someone who has resilience, chances are likely you will role-model resilience to your children. If you are a teacher, coach, Scout leader, child therapist or a day care worker who is responsible for someone else’s children, you can help the children in your care learn resilience.

Resilience skills to teach children include:

1. Acceptance

Teach a child that change is inevitable and to accept the differences in people.

2. Take a Break from Worrying

Teach a child that during stressful times it is okay to relax and not have to feel stressed about problems.

3. Empathy

Teach a child to “see the other side”, to look at how someone else may view a situation, or how life might be different for others.

4. “Forest for the Trees”

Teach a child to look at problems from both the big picture (the forest) and the small picture of details (the trees).

5. Help Others

Teach a child to see the world is a bigger place than just their neighborhood and to see the importance of helping others.

6. Manageable Accomplishments

Teach a child how to set big goals and then how to break the goal down into more manageable steps that can be more easily accomplished.

7. Past Resilience

Teach a child to remember how s/he has made it through stressful times in the past and that the child can be successful again.

8. Routine

Teach a child how to develop a routine for themselves. It will help the child feel like s/he has control in life.

9. Self-Care

Role-model and teach taking care of your body as an important part of resilience, specifically eating good food, being active, getting enough sleep, and having fun!

10. Support Network

Encourage a child to make connections with other children. A social network is vital for support during a time of stress.

Resilience in Adulthood

Can you learn resilience in adulthood if you didn’t learn it as a child? Yes! Some of the same ways we can teach our children resilience are the same ways we can learn resilience as adults. It is never too late to learn how to be resilient.

1. Balanced Living

Take care of your mind, body, and spirit (get adequate sleep, exercise, set limits for using technology, good nutrition, hydration).

2. Bounce Back

Pick yourself up, as many times as it takes. If it helps, visualize yourself as a rubber ball!

3. Celebrations

Give yourself permission to feel good about accomplishments. Reward even the small wins.

4. Destiny

Create your own destiny. Set goals. Don’t let others define how you will live your life.

5. Flexibility

This is the ability to create a variety of options. When plans change, you can “go with the flow”.

6. Mental Toughness

Master your emotions before they master you! See yourself as a fighter, as someone who will succeed.

7. Optimism

This is the ability that when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. You see setbacks as opportunities.

8. Paradigm Shift

This is looking at situations differently. Don’t try to solve problems with the same thinking that created them.

9. Perseverance

Keep moving forward despite setbacks, have a clear sense of priorities, and know your goals.

10. Support Systems

Build relationships with others so you can offer and receive support during stressful times.